When they say that time heals wounds, I think they forgot to say how long it takes. It has been just a little over two months since my "I could weather any challenge" relationship came crashing down. We have battled financial struggles, my recurring kidney stones, raising three kids, a diagnosis of ADHD/ODD of one child, moving, loss of jobs, or struggling to find one, porn (still a battle), and many more not mentioned. All of these struggles at times were heartbreaking, stress providers, joyous moments, and lack of sleep, but some how we got through them or adjusted, but nothing prepared me on how to handle that moment in time.

Since that moment I have heavily relied on being on my knees and pouring my heart out to the Lord. I haven't been much of a person to pray. Sure I had my moments of I would do really awesome and other times I would forget or get too busy. I know that is awful, but that how it was. Before this happened I got had gotten into my head that Heavenly Father didn't need to hear my struggles, blessings, or anything. He had more important prayers to answer and listen to. Nothing really bad was happening in my life that needed that extra help, I was just doing fine. Boy, was I wrong. Now, I cannot believe that I thought that way; how selfish could I be not to want to share in my joys, struggles, wants, and needs to my Heavenly Father. Sure they are not all answered in the ways that I want them to be or when I want them to be, but it is not up to me.

I was not feeling in the most talkative mood the other day, when my husband said maybe this is what our marriage needed was a wake up call. I looked at him and thought that is the most ridiculous thing that could have ever come out of your mouth. An affair was what we needed? We needed something that could have torn this marriage and family to pieces? I wanted to say all of these things to him and more, but something told me now was not the time. so I simply said I could have thought of a million different things to be a wake up call than an affair and walked away. I have since pondered on what he was trying to say in the few words he was he was expressing himself with.

For the moment we met or should I say via computer and phone, we never went on an actual date. He came down for his two week leave and spent almost everyday with me, but we actually never dated. When he got home from deployment we were married within three days. I already had a daughter, so he became an instant dad. I would say that he embraced this well considering he never had children before. We had got it in our heads that we didn't need to date, we had the whole rest of our lives to do that. So off we went, just going along like married couples should or we thought so.

Fast forward four years later, we had only gone out on a handful of dates, never really had alone time, and did everything with our children. All along we had family members telling us to take time for ourselves and go on dates, etc.., but we thought we were doing fine. We communicated pretty well, expressed ourselves, showed that we loved each other, tried to make a life together, stood by each other, all that. the thing  is we never looked for the unspoken things. Sure we had conversations, but did we really listen to each other needs and wants. Did we listen at all or just what we wanted to hear? I said romance, he heard sex. He said time together for the two of us and I heard with what money and how. I think we got into a rut of just hearing. With that the communication started to break down real slow on both sides.

While I continued to go about everyday thinking ya we have problems, but who doesn't? My husband was seeking for someone to actually listen to him from all points of view not just mine. That's why it was so simple for her to slink her way into our lives. She was the one he started to share information to, it started so innocent, but quickly turned sour. I am not sure what her plans were to begin with, my hope is that she was wanting to be friends like they were in high school, but I have no idea. She was telling him how unhappy she was in her marriage and in turn he told her he was unhappy too. I had no idea what was going on, because I did the number one thing a wife should do is trust her husband. Even when I had red flags and sirens going off, I still trusted him. I thought I knew he would never step out. That thought had never crossed my mind. In fact that was the last thing I thought he would do. I was even reassured that he would never do that. So even though I was having these thoughts that he was with her, I never stopped trusting what he said until the email.

So fast forward to now, I still do not trust him. When he was working and was suppose to be home at a certain time and he is 5 minutes late, I am mad. When I call him and cannot get a hold of him, I get mad. I hate feeling this way, I feel terrible, but it continues. I have to check all email, phone, everything. I am almost obsessive, I cannot help it. I asked the bishop last week if this is normal. He told me absolutely. What I am going through is normal considering the situation. He then asked me if I have any desire to trust him again and to think about it. I thought about it and yes with all my heart I want to trust him again. I want to stop being mad and suspicious all the time. It is time consuming and drains me sometimes. I want to be able not worry whether they are communicating behind my back or seeing each other. I want to stop the obsession. The bishop told me that having the desire is going in the right direction and we will stick with that right now, because it will take a long time to forgive and start trusting again. So now I feel there is a big chance that I will start trusting eventually, but I need to let time heal these wounds.