Babies

The last couple of days have been so stressful, I do not even know how to describe it. Electa has been sick since Tuesday. Remington and Derringer are sick today with that croupy cough and fever. Not to mention Graig has started graveyards so I have been sleeping alone. Our landlords have not sent the key to the deadbolt yet, so all I have is the regular door lock. There is not a lot of crime where we live, I just would feel more secure especially when the dog has to frequently bark all though the night. I guess if anyone breaks in they will be faced with a dog and a pistol packin momma. Work has been going great, most days I am by myself and have plenty to do. The one thing I hate is the phone, I do not know the ends and outs of Homeowners Association and it frustrates me when I feel that the boss thinks I should know everything after two weeks of working. Maybe it is just the stress of starting a new job and new things keep popping up that I did not encounter while training. Graig's job is getting better and better each day. He keeps impressing the supervisors and they keep putting a good word in for him. We are hoping it will turn into a full time position or last past January. Both would be nice.

One thing that has been on my mind is babies, not my idea but my husband's idea. He is not pressuring me, but simply said "just think next year we will have another one running around." All I could think of was what. It is funny, because he has said things in the past, but it has not effected me like that simple sentence did. I called my mom just to bounce ideas off and the same answer that I am prompted and my mom said was pray. It has been hitting me lately that I need to forgive what has been done, it is sort of like Heaven Father saying get off the fence and make a decision. I have not been angry and I go weeks without even thinking about what happened. I even started trusting him again to a point. I have not thought to check his email, phone, or anything else for awhile. Maybe I am being prompted that in some ways I have forgiven him. For me it feels that there is a deeper sort of love forming, I told the bishop that I did not want to go back to what we had before, but make it better.

Before another spirit is brought into this world, I want to make sure that I am ready. I feel that I will have to truly forgive before this can happen. I want us both to be ready. He has actually been making the effort to reading the scriptures, going to church, without me saying anything. I figured it has got to be him that makes those choices. I did say that I want my forever family and hope that is his goal too. That is the only thing that I ask for. Another thing is I have to decide that I want to have more children with a man that cheated, can I get over that? I feel that is Satan that works on me with that, a big part of me does want to have more children, and then that small part nags at me. The combination of having no sleep, sick children, new jobs, has worked on me. I think that I need to continue to pray. Besides what I think it should be and what heavenly father wants can be way two different things. Who knows.   

I have been thinking about this blog for awhile, not sure quite how to say what is going through my head and heart. I feel as if my heart is starting to soften. I never thought I would even start to get to this point of our relationship for a long time, but it has started slowly. I no longer feel the hatred I felt towards the other woman, only sadness and hurt. I imagine after a while that too will go away. I no longer think about the woman every time my husband touches me. I even trusted him for the first time a couple of weeks ago when he went to get all the the tools and necessary items to change the brakes on my van. I think this a big step for me, but in actual reality it is a baby step in repairing our fractured marriage.

I have taken other steps such as not always checking his email or phone several times a day. I feel the obsession of worrying and being mad is fading. Time is starting to heal. Another action that had a part in my melting is prayer. I cannot even fathom where I would be today without the daily kneeling. I can tell when I have skipped or forgot, I do not have that feeling of peace. Some days it takes a whole lot of praying and pleading not to feel angry or to help me understand. I can feel myself letting go and wanting to build my marriage even better. I can now see what I needed and still need to work on. Love is not perfect, but unique.

I feel that he is starting to see what he could have potentially lost and I feel that it scared him. He is not a man of emotions. I think he is realizing that his best friend could have walked out the door and never looked back. His children would have no idea what was going on or even comprehend. This family could have been no more, and that very idea scares the hell out of myself. I could have let it get to that point, but I did not. I listened to my mom, bishop, and the very still, but loud voice telling me to pray. I have a strong testimony that prayer is what saved my marriage and continues to do so. I do not know where my family or I would be if I would have ignored everything. I get emotional just thinking about it, that this mistake that could have tore my forever family apart.

My dad had given me a blessing and he told me that my husband would love me more than he does now after all this is over with. This was at the end of July, how powerful is that. I had decided then that I was not going to push or make him do anything. I did not want to be accused of forcing any decsion on someone. I knew that I needed to work on things in my own way and so did he. I waited for him to decide and he did. I just continue everyday not knowing what tomorrow brings, everything is still in the Lord's hands.

When they say that time heals wounds, I think they forgot to say how long it takes. It has been just a little over two months since my "I could weather any challenge" relationship came crashing down. We have battled financial struggles, my recurring kidney stones, raising three kids, a diagnosis of ADHD/ODD of one child, moving, loss of jobs, or struggling to find one, porn (still a battle), and many more not mentioned. All of these struggles at times were heartbreaking, stress providers, joyous moments, and lack of sleep, but some how we got through them or adjusted, but nothing prepared me on how to handle that moment in time.

Since that moment I have heavily relied on being on my knees and pouring my heart out to the Lord. I haven't been much of a person to pray. Sure I had my moments of I would do really awesome and other times I would forget or get too busy. I know that is awful, but that how it was. Before this happened I got had gotten into my head that Heavenly Father didn't need to hear my struggles, blessings, or anything. He had more important prayers to answer and listen to. Nothing really bad was happening in my life that needed that extra help, I was just doing fine. Boy, was I wrong. Now, I cannot believe that I thought that way; how selfish could I be not to want to share in my joys, struggles, wants, and needs to my Heavenly Father. Sure they are not all answered in the ways that I want them to be or when I want them to be, but it is not up to me.

I was not feeling in the most talkative mood the other day, when my husband said maybe this is what our marriage needed was a wake up call. I looked at him and thought that is the most ridiculous thing that could have ever come out of your mouth. An affair was what we needed? We needed something that could have torn this marriage and family to pieces? I wanted to say all of these things to him and more, but something told me now was not the time. so I simply said I could have thought of a million different things to be a wake up call than an affair and walked away. I have since pondered on what he was trying to say in the few words he was he was expressing himself with.

For the moment we met or should I say via computer and phone, we never went on an actual date. He came down for his two week leave and spent almost everyday with me, but we actually never dated. When he got home from deployment we were married within three days. I already had a daughter, so he became an instant dad. I would say that he embraced this well considering he never had children before. We had got it in our heads that we didn't need to date, we had the whole rest of our lives to do that. So off we went, just going along like married couples should or we thought so.

Fast forward four years later, we had only gone out on a handful of dates, never really had alone time, and did everything with our children. All along we had family members telling us to take time for ourselves and go on dates, etc.., but we thought we were doing fine. We communicated pretty well, expressed ourselves, showed that we loved each other, tried to make a life together, stood by each other, all that. the thing  is we never looked for the unspoken things. Sure we had conversations, but did we really listen to each other needs and wants. Did we listen at all or just what we wanted to hear? I said romance, he heard sex. He said time together for the two of us and I heard with what money and how. I think we got into a rut of just hearing. With that the communication started to break down real slow on both sides.

While I continued to go about everyday thinking ya we have problems, but who doesn't? My husband was seeking for someone to actually listen to him from all points of view not just mine. That's why it was so simple for her to slink her way into our lives. She was the one he started to share information to, it started so innocent, but quickly turned sour. I am not sure what her plans were to begin with, my hope is that she was wanting to be friends like they were in high school, but I have no idea. She was telling him how unhappy she was in her marriage and in turn he told her he was unhappy too. I had no idea what was going on, because I did the number one thing a wife should do is trust her husband. Even when I had red flags and sirens going off, I still trusted him. I thought I knew he would never step out. That thought had never crossed my mind. In fact that was the last thing I thought he would do. I was even reassured that he would never do that. So even though I was having these thoughts that he was with her, I never stopped trusting what he said until the email.

So fast forward to now, I still do not trust him. When he was working and was suppose to be home at a certain time and he is 5 minutes late, I am mad. When I call him and cannot get a hold of him, I get mad. I hate feeling this way, I feel terrible, but it continues. I have to check all email, phone, everything. I am almost obsessive, I cannot help it. I asked the bishop last week if this is normal. He told me absolutely. What I am going through is normal considering the situation. He then asked me if I have any desire to trust him again and to think about it. I thought about it and yes with all my heart I want to trust him again. I want to stop being mad and suspicious all the time. It is time consuming and drains me sometimes. I want to be able not worry whether they are communicating behind my back or seeing each other. I want to stop the obsession. The bishop told me that having the desire is going in the right direction and we will stick with that right now, because it will take a long time to forgive and start trusting again. So now I feel there is a big chance that I will start trusting eventually, but I need to let time heal these wounds.

So many of you know what happened a few months ago. The love of my life cheated on me. I can honestly say I hit rock bottom. I was lost and the day I found out my children ate a whole package of cheese and fended for themselves. I could not function. All my mind wanted to do was replay the whole conversation I found on the computer a few hours before that. My heart dropped to the floor and was then ripped out of my chest. I never cried so hard like that. I called up my husband and screamed at him. I told him that I knew and if he wanted to save this marriage, he better find a way home, because I was leaving. Lots of profanities was said, thank goodness my children were downstairs, but I am sure they heard enough. I had noticed when I started screaming at him, the background talking ceased. He told me later that he had to turn down the phone and even then that did not help. I was so angry when I found it, I posted it on her account and my husband's account. I am sure everyone got an eyeful. My dad was the first to call me. " A little bold, don't you think?" he asked me. I said well it made me angry. I cannot honestly remember the rest of the conversation with my dad. Except for he told me to get a hold of the bishop of our ward. I thought this is great way to meet him, we had just moved into the ward a few weeks before. I think I called my mom next or maybe she called me. I do not remember that conversation either. I was on autopilot.

The next thing I know I find myself knelling next to my bed pouring my heart out to heavenly father. I decided that if this marriage was to be saved, it was not going to be me alone doing it. That day I had so many phone calls and messages from friends I had not talked to in a long time. Two of his sisters came over and stayed with me. Our dear friend came and stayed with me for 6 hours, making sure I did not do anything irrational. I did not know what to do. Here was the man that I fell so deeply in love and thought this would never happen betray me. I was embarrassed and humiliated. I knew something was going on, I just did not have any proof. I had even met her a week before it happened. She helped us move to our new house and met my children. I even thought that she was nice and could see our kids playing with her kids.

I keep trying to figure out where did it all go wrong, when did his moment of weakness start. What did I do to make the decision easier? These questions are probably common in anyone's mind that has been cheated on. I just cannot understand why he could not say no, to stop it before it happened. Did he not think of the consequences of this one decision he made would potentially pull the plug of his life that he made with me. Is he that selfish, he could not see? This one decision could have destroyed a forever family, three children that think the world of him, and a wife that has stood by him in every decision he has made, been his cheerleader when everyone else shoots him down. A man who struggles to please his father, but is criticized every time. I am the one that has been there every event, decision, plan, everything, and now I felt like I had been kicked to the curb and four years of marriage meant nothing.

That day everyone wanted to talk about what happened and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and wake up from this nightmare of hell. I wanted to pinch myself and wake up to two of my kids sleeping on either side of me, but this was reality. I got a hold of the bishop and the man pulled some strings and made arrangements to speak with me since he could hear the sadness in my voice. My sister in laws watched the kids and I spoke with the bishop. He told me to continue praying, and to talk to my husband(I had not seen him yet) and decide from there. I went home after an hour and our friend and my husband was there. I came through the door not knowing what was going to happen or what was going to be said. The man who told me when we first met that he was going to marry me after only the second time of talking, told me now that he did not love me anymore. Once again for the second time that day my heart was ripped out and I could not breathe. I asked him when did he fall out of love with me and he said a year ago. We had just had our third child a year ago. My world fell apart, everything I had hoped for and trying to achieve was obliterated with those words. He said some other things, but I cannot remember.

I needed to get out of that kitchen, I told him I was done and ran upstairs to our bedroom, and sobbed so hard that I did not care what I looked like. He came up and I begged to at least try and work this out. That I would do anything to keep this marriage alive. He just looked at me and said maybe. He was not expecting this reaction from me, in fact it was the exact opposite of what he wanted. Earlier that day he had told our friend and his sister that he had in fact had slept with the girl. They had told him not to tell me that I was already crushed and this would put me over the edge. He had wanted me to mad like I was that morning, instead he got sadness and despair. He wanted me mad to give him an excuse to tell me he wanted a divorce. He never did tell me, maybe at that moment he seen a glimpse of the hellish pain he put me through or maybe he started thinking with his head. I do not know. He told me he was staying at his sister's condo and left. That is when our friend told me the things, that my husband did not have the guts enough to say to my face. I cried and snotted all over his uniform, but he did not seem to mind. He seemed at a loss of words of what my husband did. Nothing could have comforted me that night. Our friend left shortly after. Once that door shut, all the emptiness engulfed me. I remember calling my mom and saying he left me. I slid down the wall and sat in the kitchen. I do not remember the conversation. I just remember feeling like a rock was on my chest and I could not cry anymore.

As I was sitting here I realized how much joy and surprises my children bring to me. More emphasis on surprises. We were eating dinner last night and Graig and I were talking about odds and ends. We got on the subject of reptiles more specifically snakes. Everyone and their dog knows how much I hate snakes. They are evil looking and nasty, right up there with spiders. One of us made a comment that I cannot even remember, all of the sudden Electa blurts out "that she is not scared of f*****g snakes. That stopped our conversation in its tracks, now either my daughter suffers from Tourette's or she feels comfortable enough to say what she wants.I had to go in the other room because that is how hard I wanted to laugh, but I did not want her to see that it causes this reaction with Mom. Graig kept cool and after 30seconds of recovering he tried to continue our conversation, which was lost. This is not the first time this has happened. We had a talk with her last Saturday about that word, because once again she was in the bathtub and I could hear her talking to herself and her dinosaurs. she kept saying to them "What the f**k is going on here?" Graig sat her down and told her if she is going to use that kind of language, then the only place to do it is at home. Not at school and definitely not at church. We have tried the soap, sitting on the stairs, taking away things, but she is bound and determined to use the language. She agreed with him and so far it has been only at home she has used it and it isn't all the time, just when she needs to express herself, I guess. School starts tomorrow, whole new adventure.

So this the first time of blogging after months of thinking about it. I guess this is the place to share all sorts of things to complete strangers or family. I am not sure right at this moment to even start. This almost feels like a journal, so maybe it will be treated as one.