I have been thinking about this blog for awhile, not sure quite how to say what is going through my head and heart. I feel as if my heart is starting to soften. I never thought I would even start to get to this point of our relationship for a long time, but it has started slowly. I no longer feel the hatred I felt towards the other woman, only sadness and hurt. I imagine after a while that too will go away. I no longer think about the woman every time my husband touches me. I even trusted him for the first time a couple of weeks ago when he went to get all the the tools and necessary items to change the brakes on my van. I think this a big step for me, but in actual reality it is a baby step in repairing our fractured marriage.

I have taken other steps such as not always checking his email or phone several times a day. I feel the obsession of worrying and being mad is fading. Time is starting to heal. Another action that had a part in my melting is prayer. I cannot even fathom where I would be today without the daily kneeling. I can tell when I have skipped or forgot, I do not have that feeling of peace. Some days it takes a whole lot of praying and pleading not to feel angry or to help me understand. I can feel myself letting go and wanting to build my marriage even better. I can now see what I needed and still need to work on. Love is not perfect, but unique.

I feel that he is starting to see what he could have potentially lost and I feel that it scared him. He is not a man of emotions. I think he is realizing that his best friend could have walked out the door and never looked back. His children would have no idea what was going on or even comprehend. This family could have been no more, and that very idea scares the hell out of myself. I could have let it get to that point, but I did not. I listened to my mom, bishop, and the very still, but loud voice telling me to pray. I have a strong testimony that prayer is what saved my marriage and continues to do so. I do not know where my family or I would be if I would have ignored everything. I get emotional just thinking about it, that this mistake that could have tore my forever family apart.

My dad had given me a blessing and he told me that my husband would love me more than he does now after all this is over with. This was at the end of July, how powerful is that. I had decided then that I was not going to push or make him do anything. I did not want to be accused of forcing any decsion on someone. I knew that I needed to work on things in my own way and so did he. I waited for him to decide and he did. I just continue everyday not knowing what tomorrow brings, everything is still in the Lord's hands.