Babies

The last couple of days have been so stressful, I do not even know how to describe it. Electa has been sick since Tuesday. Remington and Derringer are sick today with that croupy cough and fever. Not to mention Graig has started graveyards so I have been sleeping alone. Our landlords have not sent the key to the deadbolt yet, so all I have is the regular door lock. There is not a lot of crime where we live, I just would feel more secure especially when the dog has to frequently bark all though the night. I guess if anyone breaks in they will be faced with a dog and a pistol packin momma. Work has been going great, most days I am by myself and have plenty to do. The one thing I hate is the phone, I do not know the ends and outs of Homeowners Association and it frustrates me when I feel that the boss thinks I should know everything after two weeks of working. Maybe it is just the stress of starting a new job and new things keep popping up that I did not encounter while training. Graig's job is getting better and better each day. He keeps impressing the supervisors and they keep putting a good word in for him. We are hoping it will turn into a full time position or last past January. Both would be nice.

One thing that has been on my mind is babies, not my idea but my husband's idea. He is not pressuring me, but simply said "just think next year we will have another one running around." All I could think of was what. It is funny, because he has said things in the past, but it has not effected me like that simple sentence did. I called my mom just to bounce ideas off and the same answer that I am prompted and my mom said was pray. It has been hitting me lately that I need to forgive what has been done, it is sort of like Heaven Father saying get off the fence and make a decision. I have not been angry and I go weeks without even thinking about what happened. I even started trusting him again to a point. I have not thought to check his email, phone, or anything else for awhile. Maybe I am being prompted that in some ways I have forgiven him. For me it feels that there is a deeper sort of love forming, I told the bishop that I did not want to go back to what we had before, but make it better.

Before another spirit is brought into this world, I want to make sure that I am ready. I feel that I will have to truly forgive before this can happen. I want us both to be ready. He has actually been making the effort to reading the scriptures, going to church, without me saying anything. I figured it has got to be him that makes those choices. I did say that I want my forever family and hope that is his goal too. That is the only thing that I ask for. Another thing is I have to decide that I want to have more children with a man that cheated, can I get over that? I feel that is Satan that works on me with that, a big part of me does want to have more children, and then that small part nags at me. The combination of having no sleep, sick children, new jobs, has worked on me. I think that I need to continue to pray. Besides what I think it should be and what heavenly father wants can be way two different things. Who knows.