Babies

The last couple of days have been so stressful, I do not even know how to describe it. Electa has been sick since Tuesday. Remington and Derringer are sick today with that croupy cough and fever. Not to mention Graig has started graveyards so I have been sleeping alone. Our landlords have not sent the key to the deadbolt yet, so all I have is the regular door lock. There is not a lot of crime where we live, I just would feel more secure especially when the dog has to frequently bark all though the night. I guess if anyone breaks in they will be faced with a dog and a pistol packin momma. Work has been going great, most days I am by myself and have plenty to do. The one thing I hate is the phone, I do not know the ends and outs of Homeowners Association and it frustrates me when I feel that the boss thinks I should know everything after two weeks of working. Maybe it is just the stress of starting a new job and new things keep popping up that I did not encounter while training. Graig's job is getting better and better each day. He keeps impressing the supervisors and they keep putting a good word in for him. We are hoping it will turn into a full time position or last past January. Both would be nice.

One thing that has been on my mind is babies, not my idea but my husband's idea. He is not pressuring me, but simply said "just think next year we will have another one running around." All I could think of was what. It is funny, because he has said things in the past, but it has not effected me like that simple sentence did. I called my mom just to bounce ideas off and the same answer that I am prompted and my mom said was pray. It has been hitting me lately that I need to forgive what has been done, it is sort of like Heaven Father saying get off the fence and make a decision. I have not been angry and I go weeks without even thinking about what happened. I even started trusting him again to a point. I have not thought to check his email, phone, or anything else for awhile. Maybe I am being prompted that in some ways I have forgiven him. For me it feels that there is a deeper sort of love forming, I told the bishop that I did not want to go back to what we had before, but make it better.

Before another spirit is brought into this world, I want to make sure that I am ready. I feel that I will have to truly forgive before this can happen. I want us both to be ready. He has actually been making the effort to reading the scriptures, going to church, without me saying anything. I figured it has got to be him that makes those choices. I did say that I want my forever family and hope that is his goal too. That is the only thing that I ask for. Another thing is I have to decide that I want to have more children with a man that cheated, can I get over that? I feel that is Satan that works on me with that, a big part of me does want to have more children, and then that small part nags at me. The combination of having no sleep, sick children, new jobs, has worked on me. I think that I need to continue to pray. Besides what I think it should be and what heavenly father wants can be way two different things. Who knows.   

I have been thinking about this blog for awhile, not sure quite how to say what is going through my head and heart. I feel as if my heart is starting to soften. I never thought I would even start to get to this point of our relationship for a long time, but it has started slowly. I no longer feel the hatred I felt towards the other woman, only sadness and hurt. I imagine after a while that too will go away. I no longer think about the woman every time my husband touches me. I even trusted him for the first time a couple of weeks ago when he went to get all the the tools and necessary items to change the brakes on my van. I think this a big step for me, but in actual reality it is a baby step in repairing our fractured marriage.

I have taken other steps such as not always checking his email or phone several times a day. I feel the obsession of worrying and being mad is fading. Time is starting to heal. Another action that had a part in my melting is prayer. I cannot even fathom where I would be today without the daily kneeling. I can tell when I have skipped or forgot, I do not have that feeling of peace. Some days it takes a whole lot of praying and pleading not to feel angry or to help me understand. I can feel myself letting go and wanting to build my marriage even better. I can now see what I needed and still need to work on. Love is not perfect, but unique.

I feel that he is starting to see what he could have potentially lost and I feel that it scared him. He is not a man of emotions. I think he is realizing that his best friend could have walked out the door and never looked back. His children would have no idea what was going on or even comprehend. This family could have been no more, and that very idea scares the hell out of myself. I could have let it get to that point, but I did not. I listened to my mom, bishop, and the very still, but loud voice telling me to pray. I have a strong testimony that prayer is what saved my marriage and continues to do so. I do not know where my family or I would be if I would have ignored everything. I get emotional just thinking about it, that this mistake that could have tore my forever family apart.

My dad had given me a blessing and he told me that my husband would love me more than he does now after all this is over with. This was at the end of July, how powerful is that. I had decided then that I was not going to push or make him do anything. I did not want to be accused of forcing any decsion on someone. I knew that I needed to work on things in my own way and so did he. I waited for him to decide and he did. I just continue everyday not knowing what tomorrow brings, everything is still in the Lord's hands.