Apparently this never got published, this happened last March.
What started out as a good weekend, ended in a disaster and still continues because of my brain incessant need to go over those weekend events. That and the husband is not here to calm my fears and bring me back to reality. So I am hoping typing it out will help me disperse this anger, sadness, and wanting to cut off all contact. I have always been a worry wart, always wanting to please the crowd. Putting my feelings aside for the fear of going against what someone might think. Up until last year that is how it has been. Many would argue that it is just how my personality is and I should not change it, but damn it I am tired of people thinking for me on what is best for me, my family, my kids. They feel because of my decision, my children will not have religion in their lives, that they will not know what true happiness is, that they need that foundation to have stable happy lives. I say fuck that. I feel that my children are happy, stable human beings. That if they want religion no matter which one they choose or not than they can search for it just like millions of other people in this world has done. Why muddle the simple happiness with unnecessary complexities that religion can bring. Why scare them with goals that are unattainable? All I want is to raise honest upstanding citizens that do not judge, understands that no one is perfect, has formed their own opinions, and are not afraid of change. Is that a lot to ask?
So what started this was if we are blessing this upcoming baby and I simply said no. All of the sudden the verbal attack begun. "Are you that far gone?" "That baby needs a blessing, what is wrong with you?" So I countered what is a blessing for and is it a big deal, because we don't feel that it is. The answer I got was he needs a name and it is important. So I got up to leave, I was not putting up with this. All I could think is what the fuck does he mean that far gone? I am still the same person, the same daughter that you raised. Just because I have made the decision not to have religion in my life does not make me different. So I turned around in front of everyone in that room and said I have chosen not to have it in my life. There is so much judgement, stereotypes, and pettiness that I do not want to be apart of it. I don't care what kingdom I am in, I just want to be with my husband. That I am just done with it. So of course I embarrassed them, but I did not care. It felt good to say what I have been wanting to say. I ended up sitting down and that is when the sarcasm started. Well are you going to pray with us at our house or stay in the other room, do you even pray anymore, or give thanks to god for everything you have been given. SO on. My kids pray, I don't. I never have been on to pray even when I was religious. Of course I would show respect at their house, but I also ask for the same thing in mine and not push it. As far as god goes I am indifferent. I do not now how I feel towards that subject.
So then the guilt started, where did I go wrong, what did I do, and why have you made this decision. It is because of what happened a couple of years ago, isn't it? Why is it always the past is always brought up? What happened two years ago is not worth the thoughts or effort to think about it. I am looking forward and do not need that brought up every single time. Anyways then I get that is is breaking their hearts that we are not blessing or having the kids baptized. It is just over and over. I just want it to stop. And finally came the what I would like you to do.
Read the book of Mormon, go to temple square, really think about having this baby blessed, and reconsider baptisms, they need this in their lives. They need to know who god and Jesus is and where they come from. We had gotten along so far without out religion why start now. It is not that we do not teach them, we just teach simplicity, not complexity.
I swear if this would have been any other decision such as going vegetarian or moving across the states we would not have all this, but then I again I could be wrong.
What started out as a good weekend, ended in a disaster and still continues because of my brain incessant need to go over those weekend events. That and the husband is not here to calm my fears and bring me back to reality. So I am hoping typing it out will help me disperse this anger, sadness, and wanting to cut off all contact. I have always been a worry wart, always wanting to please the crowd. Putting my feelings aside for the fear of going against what someone might think. Up until last year that is how it has been. Many would argue that it is just how my personality is and I should not change it, but damn it I am tired of people thinking for me on what is best for me, my family, my kids. They feel because of my decision, my children will not have religion in their lives, that they will not know what true happiness is, that they need that foundation to have stable happy lives. I say fuck that. I feel that my children are happy, stable human beings. That if they want religion no matter which one they choose or not than they can search for it just like millions of other people in this world has done. Why muddle the simple happiness with unnecessary complexities that religion can bring. Why scare them with goals that are unattainable? All I want is to raise honest upstanding citizens that do not judge, understands that no one is perfect, has formed their own opinions, and are not afraid of change. Is that a lot to ask?
So what started this was if we are blessing this upcoming baby and I simply said no. All of the sudden the verbal attack begun. "Are you that far gone?" "That baby needs a blessing, what is wrong with you?" So I countered what is a blessing for and is it a big deal, because we don't feel that it is. The answer I got was he needs a name and it is important. So I got up to leave, I was not putting up with this. All I could think is what the fuck does he mean that far gone? I am still the same person, the same daughter that you raised. Just because I have made the decision not to have religion in my life does not make me different. So I turned around in front of everyone in that room and said I have chosen not to have it in my life. There is so much judgement, stereotypes, and pettiness that I do not want to be apart of it. I don't care what kingdom I am in, I just want to be with my husband. That I am just done with it. So of course I embarrassed them, but I did not care. It felt good to say what I have been wanting to say. I ended up sitting down and that is when the sarcasm started. Well are you going to pray with us at our house or stay in the other room, do you even pray anymore, or give thanks to god for everything you have been given. SO on. My kids pray, I don't. I never have been on to pray even when I was religious. Of course I would show respect at their house, but I also ask for the same thing in mine and not push it. As far as god goes I am indifferent. I do not now how I feel towards that subject.
So then the guilt started, where did I go wrong, what did I do, and why have you made this decision. It is because of what happened a couple of years ago, isn't it? Why is it always the past is always brought up? What happened two years ago is not worth the thoughts or effort to think about it. I am looking forward and do not need that brought up every single time. Anyways then I get that is is breaking their hearts that we are not blessing or having the kids baptized. It is just over and over. I just want it to stop. And finally came the what I would like you to do.
Read the book of Mormon, go to temple square, really think about having this baby blessed, and reconsider baptisms, they need this in their lives. They need to know who god and Jesus is and where they come from. We had gotten along so far without out religion why start now. It is not that we do not teach them, we just teach simplicity, not complexity.
I swear if this would have been any other decision such as going vegetarian or moving across the states we would not have all this, but then I again I could be wrong.
No comments:
Post a Comment