Welcome to our nightmare, please wipe your feet.

In light of all the blogs I have read today and have been thinking about this for a couple of years now, I guess it is time to come clean with my feelings, fears, dreams, and hopes.

OK, here it goes.... my daughter has pediatric bipolar disorder. As I write those words, my heart is beating so loudly and I'm actually shaking(not from the lack of food).

When I heard those words, my world dropped. We knew that she had ADHD with ODD, she was diagnosed with this at the age of four. That was an adjustment, but we accepted and went on.

Due to recent studies in kids with bipolar, they have found that ADHD mimics some of the symptoms of Bipolar. So often times BP goes misdiagnosed as ADHD. It can also start at ADHD and progress into BP. Unfortunately with mental health disorders, there is so much that is unknown and so much studies need to do be done. Also the old way of thinking needs to be thrown out the window. I, myself have had to rethink everything I thought I knew to be myths and traditional thinking. Having to embrace that many of us as kids might have had or still have mental health issues. Instead of being considered a kid acting out or needing more discipline to straighten them out; actually accepting that something is truly wrong.

Going through the mental health channels is heartbreaking in itself. There is so much that needs to be advocated, but not enough loud voices for it. We just started going to a therapist because the only way Graig and I know how to handle her is yelling, spanking, anything to get her attention. We have since stopped spanking, because it was doing nothing for her.

Yelling is our go to, the doctor has told us that it just scares her, but to her it just ups the ante in the determination in winning that particular argument. No matter if she is wrong or not. This has been particularly hard in curbing, growing up for the both of us that is what happened in our households. I'm not blaming our parents, that is how they were raised and so on. They did the best that they were taught. The chain has to be broken. This is where I am hoping that going to therapy will help us break that cycle and give us different alternatives in handling situations. This is not only for her, but our other children as well.

I am hoping that therapy will help us in dealing with a new symptom that has manifest itself a couple of months ago. Raging. This isn't just a normal temper tantrum, but full blown fight. It is scary when something sets her off. It use to be just screaming at us, but now she throws things. Last night she was asked to fold laundry and today I have clothes from one end of the room to the other. She even had the audacity to make the comment of how messy the front room was and that last night was funny to her. Funny! I was full out bawling from the words that were spewing from her mouth, the screaming, and throwing things. I even called the psych children's ward to see what to do. Their suggestion made me bawl even more. Call the police or take her to the Emergency room to be sedated so that a crisis worker can assess her. I hate to admit this, but I hated her in that moment. Yes, I can hear the gasps now, but until you are in that situation you will not know what I was feeling. Finally, a great friend calmed me down enough to think more clearly. Needless to say this rage went on for two hours and I feel like it started to build when we had to go back and get homework she "forgot". It finally subsided when she got sent to her room for the rest of the night.

She knows that she has to help or do homework. She has a schedule, but the simple "no", can set her off and there is no stopping until we remove her from the room. Yesterday it was kicking her outside to calm down and then once it started up again she went into her room for the rest of the night. Giving these examples, I am met with criticism from some. Some just say she is hardheaded, others have told me we need to be more strict with her. For awhile I thought that is what I need to do, but now I know what I have to do. It is time accept that she will never be "normal" (whatever that might be) and things have to change with Graig and I or we will continue the same route that is not healthy.

So now you have a glimpse in the nightmare that Graig and I have been dealing with for awhile, unfortunately this is just one day of the many days we deal with her. This not only takes a toll emotionally, but physically as well.

So here is our journey of not correcting the problem, but to help us deal and live with it.

Life as of right now

Wow, having a baby sure takes up the time. I just realized the last post I made was back in June. Time flies. So  since then we had Bearett 8 lbs 3 oz, the biggest baby I had and the last. At first I kind of regretted having my tubes tied, thinking just one more would be kind of fun and then I came to my senses. I love having four, of course I am outnumbered, but I can spend the time I need for each one. I feel like my family is complete and I do not have to go through pregnancy again!! This last one was the hardest, around the seventh month, it physically hurt trying to do homework on the computer was excruciating. I still do not know how I got through it.  Speaking of school, I am officially graduated, just have to wait 8-12 weeks for that diploma to arrive. I'm so excited, now to find a job and think about going for my Masters.

So not only is this post to catch up, but also some insight of what I have been up to. Yes, religion is still on the back burner and the only time it is brought up is when we want to have a discuss, kids bring in up, or family. Hopefully it has been accepted that we want nothing to do with it or they are gearing up for an intervention, lol.

Yes, our marriage has gotten way better, I have to give credit to the therapy I have been going to. It is like magic, I do not have the overwhelming guilt that I had been carrying. It has been great to talk to someone outside of my circle that does not know me or graig. They can be that soundboard, of the decisions that have already been made, but need someone's new perspective. Even graig has had to admit that this really hurt us and it runs deep with me. But, with each session, that pain lessens. I recommend therapy for anyone that needs that soundboard. It is also the career I have decided to go into. One I can work on the bases to help military families as therapy has helped me and two I like to listen.

Another thing that has been on my mind for awhile is our daughter Electa. All you know that she was diagnosed at four with ADHD/ODD. We thought this is all we would have to deal with and that we could handle anything that is thrown at us. Just this last week, her doctor is wanting to run more psychological tests and have me get a second opinion, but he feels that she might have a mood disorder. This has been heartbreaking and I'm sort of in denial. All I can think of is how can kids have disorders that were originally thought to be just adult disorders. I had a good friend tell me that tests have come along ways from when we were kids and all those cases they are now dealing with today. It is better to get those tests done and figure out what needs to be done and get through it.

I know that we will get through it, but I wish life would be a little more easier for her. Damn genes, lol. Maybe I have many things to learn through her trials.

Life

Wow where to even begin. So life has gotten away from me in the last three months. I feel like I am in a whirlwind of emotions some can be blamed on the fact that we have six weeks until this little enters this world, but most is what life throws at you. Ours has not stopped. Ever since April, I feel like I am lost. The husband lost his good paying job and quickly found another one, but in the process took a huge pay cut. Everything that we have worked hard for is now lost, but what hurts more is having to cut things that pertains to our kids. We have not been able to truly celebrate 2 of 3 kid's birthdays because of that necessary evil called money. More bills than money. We did not celebrate Mother's day and soon to be Father's day. Trying to explain to our 7 year old that we have to wait until we have some money to celebrate just hurts. I think I have shed more tears in the last 2 months than I have for awhile.

Another thing is I have given up on keeping up with the husband. His plans change day to day. I know that he just wants to provide for his family, but sometimes I do not know where I gather the strength to keep up with it. I understand that he loves to deploy, but sometimes I feel that it all he thinks about and that we as a family is holding him back. I wonder why he is still married to me? I do not want him to give up his dreams and goals, but I wish that I could understand. I wish the feelings that he had for deployment was the same way he had for me. Do not get me wrong, I love my husband and would not change a thing. He is my best friend and I love being married to him. Maybe it is just a military thing that I will never understand.

Please do not take this as a poor pity me post, I just need to get it out. The frustrations, emotions, and heartache I am feeling right now. Some days I just feel like everywhere we turn it is just more conflict and emotion. A break or a sliver of sunshine would be nice in this brewing storm of emotions.

Are you that far gone??

Apparently this never got published, this happened last March.


What started out as a good weekend, ended in a disaster and still continues because of my brain incessant need to go over those weekend events. That and the husband is not here to calm my fears and bring me back to reality. So I am hoping typing it out will help me disperse this anger, sadness, and wanting to cut off all contact. I have always been a worry wart, always wanting to please the crowd. Putting my feelings aside for the fear of going against what someone might think. Up until last year that is how it has been. Many would argue that it is just how my personality is and I should not change it, but damn it I am tired of people thinking for me on what is best for me, my family, my kids. They feel because of my decision, my children will not have religion in their lives, that they will not know what true happiness is, that they need that foundation to have stable happy lives. I say fuck that. I feel that my children are happy, stable human beings. That if they want religion no matter which one they choose or not than they can search for it just like millions of other people in this world has done. Why muddle the simple happiness with unnecessary complexities that religion can bring. Why scare them with goals that are unattainable? All I want is to raise honest upstanding citizens that do not judge, understands that no one is perfect, has formed their own opinions, and are not afraid of change. Is that a lot to ask?

So what started this was if we are blessing this upcoming baby and I simply said no. All of the sudden the verbal attack begun. "Are you that far gone?" "That baby needs a blessing, what is wrong with you?" So I countered what is a blessing for and is it a big deal, because we don't feel that it is. The answer I got was he needs a name and it is important. So I got up to leave, I was not putting up with this. All I could think is what the fuck does he mean that far gone? I am still the same person, the same daughter that you raised.  Just because I have made the decision not to have religion in my life does not make me different. So I turned around in front of everyone in that room and said I have chosen not to have it in my life. There is so much judgement, stereotypes, and pettiness that I do not want to be apart of it. I don't care what kingdom I am in, I just want to be with my husband. That I am just done with it. So of course I embarrassed them, but I did not care. It felt good to say what I have been wanting to say. I ended up sitting down and that is when the sarcasm started. Well are you going to pray with us at our house or stay in the other room, do you even pray anymore, or give thanks to god for everything you have been given. SO on. My kids pray, I don't. I never have been on to pray even when I was religious. Of course I would show respect at their house, but I also ask for the same thing in mine and not push it. As far as god goes I am indifferent. I do not now how I feel towards that subject.

So then the guilt started, where did I go wrong, what did I do, and why have you made this decision. It is because of what happened a couple of years ago, isn't it? Why is it always the past is always brought up? What happened two years ago is not worth the thoughts or effort to think about it. I am looking forward and do not need that brought up every single time. Anyways then I get that is is breaking their hearts that we are not blessing or having the kids baptized. It is just over and over. I just want it to stop. And finally came the what I would like you to do.

Read the book of Mormon, go to temple square, really think about having this baby blessed, and reconsider baptisms, they need this in their lives. They need to know who god and Jesus is and where they come from. We had gotten along so far without out religion why start now. It is not that we do not teach them, we just teach simplicity, not complexity.

I swear if this would have been any other decision such as going vegetarian or moving across the states we would not have all this, but then I again I could be wrong.

Over and over

Ever get the feeling that no matter how much you explain and talk to people in your life, you might as well be talking to the wall or the wind. This is what I am going through these days with no end in sight unless I give in to the masses.Some days I actually feel like doing that, just to get them off my back, but then I think I won't be who I want to be or be able to teach my children the simplicity of life and its meaning. To love everyone without reservations, not to judge, to be able to make their own choices without being told they are too young or that they are wrong. I do not feel that my children are too young to start making choices or forming opinions and who is to say that they have to stick with that one choice or opinion. That is the great thing about living, making choices, forming opinions, and if it happens changing opinions.

You yourself being told that you need to teach your children the right way. What exactly is the "right" way? and why is there only one way. A friend just recently brought up the difference between religion and spirituality, I believe that I am striving for the latter. I am continuing to feel free as I continue to let go of those chains of organized religion. I feel like I am the person that I have wanted to be without the guilty feelings. If i want to think differently, then I can. If I want to drink, then I can. If I want to make decisions that go against what others think, I can.